Today we had our annual staff function at work. Several employees put in great efforts; preparing dance routines, volunteering to sing or doing short plays. It’s safe to say that I was probably the only staff member who didn’t give a shit about the function.
I didn’t gauge up a new outfit. Or do my hair or makeup. Even when I made an appearance it was in plain uniform and only for a short while.
Why is it that such events don’t catch my fancy? Why am I never bothered to dress up? To show off in gatherings like these? Why did every female staff care so much when I couldn’t be bothered about it?
Do I intentionally try and disassociate myself from the rest of the female staff? Not to sound all “oh I am so different”, but there is an oblivious difference in our backgrounds, both educational and family wise. They yearn for things that don’t make sense to me. They prioritise things that don’t matter to me.
Why can’t I be like them? Why can’t I be just a girly girl who takes an hour to get ready, take long at lunch breaks because she’s busy chatting with her girlfriends?
And everyone points it out. At our workplace, the female staff is generally more lazy than the male. I have a strong work ethic. Which means sometimes, unlike the female staff, I stay late hours and do more work than the others (hence no time for chit chat with the girls or long tea breaks over discussion of the latest gossip). And all the male staff does refer to me as male sometimes. “Oh she’s a boy, she’ll do it.”
So you’re either a lazy girl or one of the boys if you work too hard.
And here I am. Stuck in the middle. Not too girly to be a girl. And not a boy because i do remember having tits albeit small ones. I’m neither here nor there. Gender less. Or in transit of genders.
I hate it when people say “Oh she’s one of the boys.” Like there’s nothing feminine about me. Is it because of my small tits? I feel like my tits are almost non existent and maybe that’s why my body can substitute for being a man’s body.
But why do I have to be like all them girly girls? Why?! I am just fine with the way I am. Everyday I feel pressured to put on the right blend of makeup, to make sure I look feminine enough. Everyday is a choice or a struggle. I can be a girly girl or not be a girly girl and put up with all their hurtful remarks.
Why can’t we let others just be themselves instead of trying to fit them into appropriate gender roles and boxes?