What Is A Movie Without Nachos?

Other than writing a guest post at Adi’s blog, this Valentine’s day I went to watch a movie with an old friend of mine.

Despite of reminding him a billion times about buying the ticket beforehand, there we were, stuck at the movie counter, trying to decide between two Indians movies and an English animated movie. Among all the movie choices we had, the best choice was to walk out of the theater but because it had took us almost an hour to get here, I decided that we stay and watch the Indian movie he was being so persistent about. I knew it was not going to go well.

Contrary to what you might think, this is not a post about how much I hate Indian movies because I’m a Pakistani and all Indians are my enemies. No, this is a post about how much I hate Indian movies. Period. Nothing to do with Pakistan vs Indian rivalry. I would compare Indian movies with Pakistani movies but on account of having seen only two Pakistani movies in my whole life and our movie industry being a big flop, I rather not.

Annnywho.

The guy at the counter asks us about our seats. He shows me the screen so I can choose my seat. Sadly, the last row is completely full. Fuck. I chose the second last row, the second best seats at the theater. I also chose the seats at the very end of the row. Yes, we would have to “excuse-me” our way across several aunties pulling their legs up to give us space but at least we wouldn’t have to do that for anyone. No fear of our toes being stepped on.

We sit in our seats and get all comfortable, opening the chips packet that I was forced to buy because there were no nachos at the snacks counter. IMG_2038 I was this close to tears. Have you ever heard of a more inhumane thing? They had popcorns, buttered, salted, on-your-gf’s-breast and every other way you can think of. They had drinks and a million categories of chips. But NO nachos.

Such discrimination.

The movie starts and so far, it’s looking good. I take a sip of my drink and then I physically touch the cup/glass holder to make sure it is there before putting my cup in it. I always do that because I think someday the holder isn’t going to be there, I’ll spill my drink, causing a huge mess around me and make people think I had an “accident“. Shouldn’t we have holders with LED lights by now since we are no longer in the stone ages now? Like seriously, how am I supposed to know it’s there? IMG_2039 Half an hour into the movie, it’s still good. My friend is looking at me, waiting for me to praise him for his excellent choice of movie. The story was indeed very different, despite my suspicion that it was only good because it was an identical copy of an English movie. “Alright, it’s a good movie!”.

It was almost like the actress was waiting for me to say it because as soon as I did, she starts dancing at the most obnoxious song I have ever heard. No, it wasn’t that it was in punjabi and that I find punjabi embarrassing or anything. It was the lyrics.

“Her white wrists” to be exact. *shudders*.

And her moves!

I wonder if foreigners see all these Indian movies and wonder if we (Indians and Pakistanis) actually do that in real life. IMG_2034-0 The song passes and I look at my friend with anger, who is now not meeting my eye.

Twenty minutes after, the guy behind me decides that he paid way more than all of us for his seats and practically owns the theater now. Therefore, it’s perfectly alright if he wants to lean in his chair while his legs keeps pushing the back of my chair. He did that for the entire movie. I kept turning around at him, kept looking at him, dropping hints but man, the height of cluelessness. Or was he just being an ass? Can’t decide.

After almost three hours, the movie comes to an end. As much as I enjoyed the storyline of this movie, I was extremely overjoyed at the end that it’s is finally over. Another thing I hate about Indian movies: way, way too long. Apparently, everyone else was a bit too excited too. A small group of people started clapping. IMG_2036-0 I can not Β believe I sat through another Indian movie and survived. I also can’t believe I, of all people, watched a semi lovey dovey movie on Valentine’s day. Let’s hope this harlot is not going too soft. Happy Belated Valentine’s Day y’all!! Xoxo

//

Zareen Naqvi

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17 comments

  1. Adi, the Happy Lifeaholic · · Reply

    “Chiitiyan Kalaiyaan veeeeeeeeeeeeee! O baby mere white kalaiyaan veeeeeeee”
    and now I know you watched Roy! πŸ˜€ haha another film on my “don’t not watch” list πŸ˜€

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Adi, the Happy Lifeaholic · · Reply

      although Arjun Rampal hmmm…that’s a game changer right there!

      Like

      1. He’s kind of hot. Throughout the movie, I felt like her reminded me of a crush I had in college. He was just as charming, with the his Adam’s apple a bit too noticeable and with the same sense of humor.

        He’s an underrated actor.

        Liked by 1 person

    2. Omg, I hate you. Please stop!

      Where is that list? Yaar, I stay away from Indian movies. It was a good movie, I like the theme but that song. I think it traumatized me a bit.

      Like

  2. Is it that bad? I was planning to watch it πŸ˜›

    Like

    1. The movie is very good. How did you know what movie I was talking about? It was Roy, by the way. I really liked the story because there are two parallel stories going on at the same time. I like such themes, I think people should always experiment with film. So whoever the director is, I truly appreciate him.

      However, yes I did hate the song. It makes me cringe. It was really bad.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Adi’s comment informed me πŸ˜› Anyways, good to know! Thank god else my after exam weekend would’ve been ruined πŸ™‚

        Liked by 1 person

  3. I need to see Roy… Only because I NEED to see Arjuna Rampal!! Drooooool… Sorry old married woman crush alert!!! 😁

    Like

  4. I agree with your views on Bollywood movies. Nice post!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you! I was trying really hard not to offend anyone.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Firstly, salute to you for saying bollywood movies suck! They do. Even if they make like 1 good movie in entire year, i could rant about for hours.
    Second, i have watched a few pak movies, khuda k liye being one of them. Loved it, i missed out the end unfortunately

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Haha, thanks for agreeing. I was kind of worried, I didn’t want to press any buttons or hate on bollywood movies.

      Bol and Khuda K Liye are the only two I have watched myself. There has been slight improvement in movies now but yeah, it’s pretty much just as bad. Have you ever seen punjabi movies? Don’t.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. No punjabi movies.
        Movies here are commercialized to such an extent that plot(main thing for a person who likes writing) is often paltry. Thats why i choose movies

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Well, I think that’s where Hollywood movies take the award. Some movies are really awesome. All in all, I don’t think Roy was a particularly bad movie, I actually liked the parallel story thing.

          Liked by 1 person

          1. The best parallel story line movie I saw was memento. Hats off to Nolan!

            Liked by 1 person

            1. I haven’t seen that. I’m not a movie junkie but from time to time I like to unwind.

              Liked by 1 person

            2. Unwind at theatres with morons sitting behind me.

              Liked by 1 person

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