Other than writing a guest post at Adi’s blog, this Valentine’s day I went to watch a movie with an old friend of mine.
Despite of reminding him a billion times about buying the ticket beforehand, there we were, stuck at the movie counter, trying to decide between two Indians movies and an English animated movie. Among all the movie choices we had, the best choice was to walk out of the theater but because it had took us almost an hour to get here, I decided that we stay and watch the Indian movie he was being so persistent about. I knew it was not going to go well.
Contrary to what you might think, this is not a post about how much I hate Indian movies because I’m a Pakistani and all Indians are my enemies. No, this is a post about how much I hate Indian movies. Period. Nothing to do with Pakistan vs Indian rivalry. I would compare Indian movies with Pakistani movies but on account of having seen only two Pakistani movies in my whole life and our movie industry being a big flop, I rather not.
The guy at the counter asks us about our seats. He shows me the screen so I can choose my seat. Sadly, the last row is completely full. Fuck. I chose the second last row, the second best seats at the theater. I also chose the seats at the very end of the row. Yes, we would have to “excuse-me” our way across several aunties pulling their legs up to give us space but at least we wouldn’t have to do that for anyone. No fear of our toes being stepped on.
We sit in our seats and get all comfortable, opening the chips packet that I was forced to buy because there were no nachos at the snacks counter. I was this close to tears. Have you ever heard of a more inhumane thing? They had popcorns, buttered, salted, on-your-gf’s-breast and every other way you can think of. They had drinks and a million categories of chips. But NO nachos.
The movie starts and so far, it’s looking good. I take a sip of my drink and then I physically touch the cup/glass holder to make sure it is there before putting my cup in it. I always do that because I think someday the holder isn’t going to be there, I’ll spill my drink, causing a huge mess around me and make people think I had an “accident“. Shouldn’t we have holders with LED lights by now since we are no longer in the stone ages now? Like seriously, how am I supposed to know it’s there? Half an hour into the movie, it’s still good. My friend is looking at me, waiting for me to praise him for his excellent choice of movie. The story was indeed very different, despite my suspicion that it was only good because it was an identical copy of an English movie. “Alright, it’s a good movie!”.
It was almost like the actress was waiting for me to say it because as soon as I did, she starts dancing at the most obnoxious song I have ever heard. No, it wasn’t that it was in punjabi and that I find punjabi embarrassing or anything. It was the lyrics.
“Her white wrists” to be exact. *shudders*.
And her moves!
I wonder if foreigners see all these Indian movies and wonder if we (Indians and Pakistanis) actually do that in real life. The song passes and I look at my friend with anger, who is now not meeting my eye.
Twenty minutes after, the guy behind me decides that he paid way more than all of us for his seats and practically owns the theater now. Therefore, it’s perfectly alright if he wants to lean in his chair while his legs keeps pushing the back of my chair. He did that for the entire movie. I kept turning around at him, kept looking at him, dropping hints but man, the height of cluelessness. Or was he just being an ass? Can’t decide.
After almost three hours, the movie comes to an end. As much as I enjoyed the storyline of this movie, I was extremely overjoyed at the end that it’s is finally over. Another thing I hate about Indian movies: way, way too long. Apparently, everyone else was a bit too excited too. A small group of people started clapping. I can not believe I sat through another Indian movie and survived. I also can’t believe I, of all people, watched a semi lovey dovey movie on Valentine’s day. Let’s hope this harlot is not going too soft. Happy Belated Valentine’s Day y’all!! Xoxo