I don’t get offended when people comment on my weight. The amount of fuck they pretend to give is almost believable. Mostly, I couldn’t be arsed.
But this time they went too far. Because of their worrying reviews on my physique, I was running around hospitals, calling my pervert doctor and spending hours analyzing my naked self in the mirror. And so, my lazy old Garfield self is not to be blamed for not posting here for a while.
It all started when I returned from my forced hiatus to L’hotel. I expected to be met with a flurry of hugs and overly concerned voices of phonies telling me just how much they missed me. So much that they never even once called. Instead, I was greeted with “Wow, you have lost too much weight!”
Everyday, a new comment would arise, pushing me closer to the belief that I really was sick. And it wasn’t just one person. Almost all of my co-workers gave me worrying looks and asked how I was feeling. They asked me how I was feeling! They NEVER do that!
Soon after, other symptoms began to appear. I was growing paler, growing thinner and had absolutely no control over when I wanted to pee. Every day, I came home to look at myself in the mirror. Were my cheekbones more apparent than they were before? Where were my cheeks anyway? WHERE WAS MY ASS?
Either it was all a giant conspiracy or I had really started looking like Keira Knightley.
I asked my family if they had noticed any changes in me. They insisted I was the same as before and that everything was fine. Surely, I couldn’t trust this overly optimistic bunch.
So I turned to my one and only friend who never lets me down:
After an hour of endless typing, clicking and skimming through article headings, I had the answer. Hyperthyroidism. Thanks to Grey’s anatomy, I knew what it meant.
The next morning, I got out of the shower to realize I wasn’t only shedding weight, but hair as well. There’s nothing more motivating than a threat to your hair, to call your doctor while you’re still wet and wrapped in a towel. I’m not sure if he understood my frantic speech.
“That’s why I think it’s my thyroid.”
I waited for him to present me with a prize. I could see the headlines now: NON-MEDICAL STUDENT DIAGNOSES HERSELF THROUGH GOOGLE.
“Does anyone in your family have diabetes?”
Uh. Wait. What?
“Yes, my grandfather, he..”
“Great. You should get tested”
The whole day I didn’t even look at anything sweet. I refused a candy from a 6 year old.
I have never been in such a hurry to give my blood to someone. I shit you not, when the Doc pulled my blood into the plastic syringe, it was more black than red. “All that black,” my mind chanted “is the banana splits you have been hogging down this month.”
Waiting for the results was an absolute nightmare, specially when my co-workers were dead set that I was ill.
“Don’t worry, it’s not a thyroid problem,” one of them said.
“Your thyroid is fine. It’s the diabetes. You don’t have blood in you. I mean, look at you! You’re so pale!”
I felt a sudden hunger for human flesh.
The results came back later that day. Turns out, my family was right. Everything was fine.
My co-workers are a bunch of fools, too ignorant to realize that negative comments on people’s weight, no matter how fat or skinny you are, are in fact, rude. Rude. Rude. RUDE. My co-workers are also fools that don’t read my blog so I’m venting out here:
Dear Co-workers, I’m skinny because I’m blessed/cursed with skinny genes. Thank you so much for pretending to give a flying fuck about my health but I’m sure you’re really disappointed I’m healthy.
Healthy as shit
The point of posting about this is not to highlight how negative my co-workers are or how naive and optimistic my family is or what sort of a pervert L’hotel’s house doctor is. Not even the fact that my co-workers are cruel and ignorant with their words and if I could, I would really like to throw them under a bus. Okay, it is that but it is also to make you think of all those people who are actually ill, suffering from diseases but still facing life the best way that the can. The will and power needed to fight from a disease and to remain optimistic about life is truly inspiring. I want to dedicate this post to them.