There Is No Coming Back From This

A salon was always a magical place to me when I was a kid. I loved hairdressers. I’m a fan of their art. How they can turn my rough, dull hair into glossy, shiny hair with their magical instruments. I owe them a lot.

Everyone knows they suck at maths though. For one, they, for the love of God, can not and will not differentiate between just an inch and three, big inches. My regular trips to the hairdresser always start with an argument surrounding the length of the cut. I just want to get a trim but she insists how the ends of my hair have been severely damaged and how I desperately need to get them cut a few inches.

Whoever did your hair the last time, ruined it.” Pause. More drama.RUINED IT.

I always get it cut from here.”

LONG. AWKWARD PAUSE.

Well, I still have to cut it three inches. You NEED this.”

When I come to the Salon, I make mental calculations as to what I want and how much will it hurt my wallet. And every time I end up getting talked into having proper cut, instead of a trim. It looks fabulous specially after the blow drying that costs another 500Rs.

It look fabulous until the shower the next day.

But this post is no rant about a haircut gone wrong. No, sir!

This is about my Nan’s hairdresser. Personal hairdresser.

A skinny lady, with ash blonde hair that reach her back. She’s lovely. Except for the fact that she talks. Too much. Literally. Too much. I can not emphasize more on this.

Whenever I see her, it reminds me of an episode of Two and a Half Men, starring Miley Cyrus in which she pretends to be this chatter-box who just won’t stop. And Berta, my favourtie of the lot, says:

That’s what you get when hippies have unprotected sex with humming birds.

Yeah, it’s funnier when she says it.

So despite having this verbal diarrehaea, my Nan insists on having her hair cut from her. And my Mom too. And here’s the best part: She’s not that great either. I just don’t get it.

The moment she entered our place yesterday, she started telling us about how she was nearly saved from an accident that could have caused if the driver hadn’t turned in time and how roughly they would have been hit because the other truck was at full speed but thanks to her driver who was a bit upset because he had been mugged earlier by a couple of teenagers, they survived the crash.

Hmm, pity, really.

She was talking to me and I tried my best to ignore her. I stared at my phone really hard as if I was lost deep in conversation. She nudged me..no she actually poked me with her feet and said “Are you listening?

She kept talking all through the day. When she was doing my Nan’s hair. When she was doing my Mom’s hair. When she was mixing the funny looking ingredients for dye. When she was eating. When she was not eating. When she was washing my Nan’s hair. When she was washing my Mom’s hair.

Even when the fucking hairdryer was on. I shit you not.

I gave her a glass of water. “Here,” I said. I HOPE YOU CHOKE ON IT.

To add cherry to the top, my mom has booked her for her wedding reception this December.

That’s lovely. I can just think of all these great things I can do. And how about you Zareen? What will you like to have done on your hair?

I don’t know. I’ll dye it.” This was a joke. Everyone knows I don’t have the balls to dye my hair.

Perfect! It’s booked then! 27th December then?

Fuck. Fuck. Did I just fucking book her?

There’s no coming back from this. I can already imagine the state of my hair after our session.

Have you been to the Salon lately? Do they hairdressers do that to you too or is it just a conspiracy against me? I’m curious.

P.S I do know a hairdresser here. Her name is Britney. And she’s fabulous. Just wanted to say that. Okay. Bye.

Zareen Naqvi

Advertisements

35 comments

  1. This actually made me laugh out loud! I hate it when the hairdresser won’t stop talking. especially if, like me, you are usually hungover.

    Word of warning though – I was once still a bit drunk from the night before and ended up getting six inches cut off. It has taken me nearly two years to grow this damn bob back out.

    Never again! x

    Liked by 1 person

    1. So there are some out there too, huh? This is quite a problem!

      Oh god, thats terrible! I know it takes a billion years for girls to grow their hair, i dont know why. Boy’s hair grow faster, i have observed. Here goes one more thing boys are blessed with. Ugh!

      Thanks for reading and commenting Soohie!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m glad I don’t have to mess with any of that. My haircuts take 10 minutes, and my barber can’t do anything but grunt. 😀

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m so jealous of you right now!! Aarggh!!

      Like

      1. After what you’ve been through, I can understand that. I hate barbers or hairdressers that have to yack your ear off…. and eating while they’re working is such a NO 😀

        Liked by 1 person

        1. You know, i should have mentioned. This one hairdresser, she was new so she probay didnt know how rude is it to ask me, the customer, to hold the comb while she blow dryed my hair!

          Like

          1. Hahaha— yeah, a different shop might be called for, if you don’t want to slowly lose your mind getting your hair done. 😀

            Like

            1. Seems like the only option!

              Liked by 1 person

  3. There are some conspirators who exist everywhere!!! 😀

    Liked by 1 person

    1. True that!

      Liked by 1 person

  4. deepbluesandseafoamgreens · · Reply

    Okay I don’t quite know how I managed not to spit my tea out (okay icky picture there but MOVING ON!) but OMG this made me laugh so bad!
    I must say, my hair grows really quick – it’s long, dark and thick and though I don’t get it cut often (heh I like having long hair) well…since there’s always a lot to chop off, it feels awkward when there’s like, a mutual silence! I think that’s worse. Especially because you’re watching them cut your hair (you know, in the mirror in front etc) and like, it’s so weird!
    Also, is that Kate Hudson in the gif? And when I saw it I thought, has Zareen dyed all her hair blue!? 😀

    Also – one of the funniest alternative lines ever: “I shit you not.” 😄 😄 😄

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Im actually glad you spilled your tea. Haha, at least i made you laugh.

      So you have dark, thick hair? That are long? And also grow quickly? I so hate you.
      Yeah, but sometimes i enjoy awkward silences. Haha. That is only when i make them happen, on purpose!
      Yes, that’s Kate Hudson from Bride Wars. Have you seen this scene? It’s hilarious. Did you just compare me to Kate? Okay, i love you again now!

      Haha, gee thanks Z!
      P.S just kidding about your hair though! May you always have these luscious locks!! ❤

      Liked by 1 person

      1. deepbluesandseafoamgreens · · Reply

        don’t worry I laughed at the joke 😄
        I must see this film now! Last time I saw Kate Hudson was in Glee.

        But AHHH Zareeeeeeeennnnnnnn it’s such a hassle to wash etc! Takes about a week (I jest, but yeah some hours) to dry and looks like a bush usually. 😄

        Liked by 1 person

        1. You should! It’s girly but KATE HUDSON!

          Oh but “hair is a girl’s beauty and long hair is an asset”. That’s what my grandma says. Z

          Liked by 1 person

          1. deepbluesandseafoamgreens · · Reply

            Kate is Kate. Kate is fabulous.

            Ah, but short hair is cool too! I have a friend with short hair and it looks good on her 🙂
            But me..I suit long 😀

            Liked by 1 person

            1. Short is chic but it doesn’t suit me!

              Liked by 1 person

  5. whole I always tell me clients how much I recommend to it off for damage purposes, I always leave the decision up to them. if they say they want half an inch off and they really need two inches off, I say “you hair has a lot of split ends and to get rid of them all I would need to take this much but if you only want me to do half an inch I will”
    even though I am a hairdresser though, this happens to me haha. this last time I wanted like a quarter of an inch, barely anything and she cut more. it sucks.
    also I don’t know what salon you go to where a trim is not the same price as a haircut. a trim and haircut are different in terms of how much is cut off but they aren’t different because I have to go through the exact same process whether I cut a half an inch or 6 inches off. so they shouldn’t be charging you more for that.
    also you seem to have thicker hair and if you do, then you should probably get your ends texturized or thinned out so that your haircut isn’t too blunt on the ends.

    also please do not, under any circumstances, get your hair done by that lady.

    also I hope she never finds your blog because she will probably be in tears.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I knew you were the better of the hairdressers. You’re awesome babe and yes, i had a hairdresser in Lahore who was extremely friendly plus nice, she made me look fab.

      Oh i think i’ll be coming to you for my next hair cut. We’ll chat about blogging while you can give me glossy hair!

      Oops. I didn’t want to seem rude! Sorry if it seemed so.
      P.S i did mention you in the end. I didnt want it to come of as a generalized view of hairdressers, it was just my Nan’s hairdresser i was talking about. Hope you know what i mean, love!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Yes you can totally come to me and then we can talk each other’s ears off while talking about blogging haha

        Yes I did notice you mentioned me in the end and I know you weren’t trying to be rude, just wanted to put my two cents in.

        I do think that if you nans hairdresser ever finds your blog (not sure how but it could happen) she probably wouldn’t be happy with how you described her.

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Oh your feedback is always welcome babe!

          Yeah, i probably should have tuned down a bit. Oops :/

          Liked by 1 person

          1. Maybe…but hopefully she doesn’t find your blog! Haha

            Liked by 1 person

  6. hahah great GIFs! 🙂

    Like

    1. Thank you! And thank you so much for the follow!

      Liked by 1 person

  7. great and impressive – for some reason, I received your blog late. Hope all is well!

    Like

  8. Zareen, I love your posts! They always make me smile 🙂 I haven’t been keeping up with your blog, which is horrible of me, right?

    My preferred hairdresser is this funny and sassy Vietnamese guy named Tony, and fortunately for me (God bless America) he only asks me questions about my hair, and doesn’t talk otherwise. I think I even fell asleep once o.O

    By the way, I’m loving your new theme ❤

    Like

    1. Awww. I’m glad I can be the reason behind that beautiful smile of yours Theodora! Ah, that’s okay. I haven’t been keeping up with my own blog too!

      You’re truly blessed. I’m jealous. Really.

      Ah, thanks! I keep experimenting a lot but I really like this one. Thanks for dropping by babe! ❤

      Like

  9. This is absolutely hilarious and yet you booked the next appointment! I hope you don’t do anything much to your hair as you look good as you are now!!! 🙂

    Like

    1. I hope I can talk my way out of this. Fingers and toes crossed!

      Like

  10. Yep, this is why I avoid going to the hairdresser….but end up taking the scissors to my own hair (NEVER ENDS PRETTY!) and then realising “Shit! I’m going to have to book that appointment after all!” It’s a catch 22, but for 2 awkward hours, I’ll think in the future I would choose the hairdresser!

    Funny post! Made me smile 🙂

    Like

    1. Hahahaha! I would never take up the scissors! Uh–huh! I’m so clumsy and it’s very risky.

      Yay! I’m glad it did. Thanks for dropping by babe! ❤

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Yes! Waaaay too risky…I have lost count of the times I have cried over a dodgy haircut…courtesy of Moi! Eeekkk!

        Liked by 1 person

  11. Funny post Zareen,,going to the haordresser always gives me the butterflies and almost always end up just getting a trim even though I always enter with some ambitious hairstyle in mind..All the best for the 27th!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ah! I’m so NOT looking forward to it. LOL.

      Like

  12. […] – despite the fact that I have two left feet and kept bumping and crashing into people (sorry Zareen, Hugh, Ron) I had a jolly good time..Thank you so much for the ‘One Lovely Blog […]

    Like

  13. […] got my hair curled at a salon for the event. Not by my Nan’s hairdresser though. This girl was skinnier than fuck and had the ugly balls to tell me to switch to a better, […]

    Like

Your thoughts?

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: